Connecting with siblings by going beyond dysfunctional conflict pattern

There are three boys in the playground swanking about how eminent their fathers are.

The first child says, "Well, my brother runs the swiftest. He can dart an arrow, and begin to run, I tell you he gets there before the arrow!"

Another playmate says, "Ha! You think that's swift! My brother is a hunter. He can shoot his handgun and be there before the bullet."

The other kid listening shakes his head and then says, “You two know nothing about speed. My brother is a civil servant. He finishes toiling at 5:30 and he is home by 4:30!"

Exaggerated joke, isn’t it?  However, it articulates and underscores harmony and love should we take it on the cutest side of it because of their individual pride and confidence to relate their siblings, “Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero,” that is.

Nevertheless, not all sibling relationships are that harmonious caused by type of upbringing which has been instilled into one’s system up to adolescence.  As we grow up, most of us hope to attain a significant connection with siblings which is unfortunately not always simple.

Early conflicts with siblings encompass long-term affect. It can take a lifetime to work out sibling relationships.

According to research, one’s inner model of relationships, based on how one was raised by her/his parents (or other caregivers), influences how one relates to close intimate adult partners.  

Siblings address a range of issues, from the ordinary to the emotional, in different ways. They may reasonably argue a solution to their clash or shriek and fight until the other gives in. Nevertheless they deal with it, even as young kids, siblings have to find ways to live together. They begin to institute patterns that highlight either teamwork or aggression in the process.

Clashes among siblings never emerge out of the blue. Siblings nurtured in families characterized by high levels of flawed conflict resolution, whether through assault or escape, learn from their significant others. One who has been raised in a household in which family members are constantly criticizing and shouting at each other, such behavior is adapted as both fitting and normal. Although one may realize later that not all families behave in this mode, she/he will still have been influenced for years by closest family members and that style of resolution turns to be one’s default approach.  However, the challenge is not to be locked through these faulty family ties but to go beyond. 

Children who witness marital discord are negatively influenced in their own interpersonal relationships, including childhood relations with peers. School bullies may be re-enacting interactions among their parents. As adults, they may carry these approaches of trading with negative emotions into the workplace and own homes. 

To address these issues, here are some tips to ponder:

1. Make a conscious effort to forgive childhood or even adult misdeeds.

2. Make a cameo appearance like weddings, graduations, and thanksgiving dinner. That’s part of being a family. Or you may show up unexpectedly at your brother’s places of interests?

3. Stop being the family mole. Sibling relationships are often described by behind-the-back gossiping, whether that means secretly criticizing one sibling to the other or listening greedily as your parents slam your brother’s latest exaggerated electronics purchase. All this double-faced babble corrodes honesty that prevents family ties. So cut it out.

4. Mind Your Manners. You don’t need to be formal with siblings, but an insignificant comment still irritates, no matter how close you are to them.

5. Fight Typecasting. You may have been fastened by your family with a particular task: the dependable one, the loose cannon, or the baby. This role sticks no matter how much you bloom as an adult. While many men and women credit happy relationships with their immediate family to this fixation - the consolation of knowing what’s expected of them - others find it suffocating. By acknowledging the way that your siblings have progressed from their childhood roles, you unreservedly give everyone the go signal to likewise see you differently.

6. Communicate. Occasional hours-long conversations are pleasant. However, recurrent casual contact actually pays off your bond. Technology can help. Sending text messages from a train platform, commenting on a Facebook update, and giving a ring make it really easy to be the thoughtful sister/brother you are.

7. Stop Being Jealous of other people's sibling relationships which diminish your own relationship. There are diverse depths to each bond and, say, that somewhere inside that group hug, someone is typically dropping an elbow.

8. Engage in Recreation With Your Brother's Spouse. By doing so, you’ll send the message that this woman deserves a chance. On the other hand, this will prove your loyalty and acceptance to your brother/sister.

9. Get Out of the Comfort Zone. Wherever you go, try to eat at least two meals together than swaddling in banana leaves inside the spa.

10. Shun From Hot-Button Topics (politics, religion, high-fructose corn syrup). Many people out there don’t follow it so be sensitive enough on a choice topic than witnessing your partner making faces every minute you mumble a word.

In summary, one’s adult relationships may contain marks - for better or worse - of relationships with siblings or other children within the family. Don’t remain as a victim of dysfunctional conflict styles throughout adult life. By asking oneself honestly, whether you’re into typical negative interactions with siblings than positive will enable to identify these same tendencies in current relationships. Taking such phases can help perk up current relationship style. Pass along more constructive modes of conflict resolution to the children. It may take sweats and tears, but these cycles of destructive family interactions can be phased out.

1 John 2:9-11 Whoever says he is in the light, yet hates his brother, is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother remains in the light, and there is nothing in him to cause a fall. Whoever hates his brother is in darkness; he walks in darkness and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

1 John 4:20 If anyone says, "I love God," but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God 5 whom he has not seen.

References:

1. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., For Better or Worse, Siblings Shape Our Close Relationships, Published on November 12, 2013, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201311/better-or-worse-siblings-shape-our-close-relationships
2. Jane Isay, 10 Ways to Be Closer to Your Siblings, http://www.realsimple.com/magazine-more/inside-magazine/life-lessons/close-siblings