Fixing Siblings Rivalry, A Lifelong Walk On Eggshells

On Christmas morning two children are opening their presents. The younger gets a toy plane, remote controlled tank, a high-end smartphone, and two new luxury sports pedal cars. The older on the other hand receives a sweater and a book. The younger begins to tease the older sibling saying "Look, I received more presents than you."

The older responds, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't have cancer!"

This joke personally catches my heart on a personal struggle that I’ve been avoiding my older brother whenever I heard that he’s visiting our family.  My mind has been confronted in this manner, “What’s the point of talking to him if I can’t even ask help from him when I’m in a current crisis.”  For example, one time I e-mailed him to borrow money because I was about to start my job after graduation but did not even care to reply yes or no.

I’ve been responsible all my life sharing all of my earnings for the siblings/family and I felt that I’ve been left empty.  Fortunately and ironically it’s the younger siblings who catch me when I’m helpless.

While contemplating on this imperfection that I’ve been facing, I tried to research on how to deal with it and drawn a lot of reactions pertaining to the issue.

There is who says that she never cut her sister off, but their relationship is emotionally distant. She’s not angry with her, but her sister made choices that she can't understand. They live far apart which doesn't help. She can't really connect with her as a sister. She love her, but she found it difficult for her and imagine it is for her too. 

Another sibling narrates that he and his brother simply have nothing in common. They don't share a single interest and that he fits right into the family. He and their Dad shared many interests (fishing, hunting, etc.) He was bored out of his mind by it all. He says that they’re really just two different people who happened to grow up in the same house. They didn't play together and even hang together.

Still another sibling unveils that she’s much older now and deeply regret how their lives diverged, though she’s at a loss as to how it could have been avoided. They only see each other on holidays and other family get-togethers, but never casually or on a "drop-by-the-house" basis.

Another fellow verbalizes that sensible adults endure an enormous amount of pain because they think they have to maintain a relationship with siblings and parents. She gets along fine with her parents and siblings, but if she didn't, she wouldn't hesitate to cut them off and live her life apart from them. She doesn't see that "a connection to one’s past" has enough value to be worth the pain that some family members cause each other.

Several research studies reveal that up to 45% of adults have a rivalry or distant relationship with a sibling. People questioned later in life often say their biggest remorse is being alienated from a sister or brother.

According to Jeanne Safer, a psychologist in Manhattan, the rivalry often continues into adulthood because in many families it goes unresolved. Most people who have been through years of therapy have drilled a lot of self-reproach with their parents but they can't articulate what is wrong when it comes to their siblings.

The latter says that sibling rivals speak in a kind of dialect which sounds like, "You were always Mom's favorite," "Mom and Dad are always at your house but never visit me," or "You never call me."

"It's not the loving language that good friends have; it's the language of grievance collection." the psychologist says.

Amidst all of these, it's hard to know what to say in response. Others perhaps are afraid that what she/he says will be shattering or will expose dreadful truths. It's a lifelong walk on eggshells, she added.

If we'll try to figure it out, sibling dispute has been around since the Old Testament era. Cain killed Abel (Genesis 4:8). Leah stole Rachel's intended husband, Jacob (Genesis 29:25). Joseph fought bitterly with his older siblings (Genesis 38:28). Parents often have a hand in nurturing it and has the tendency to choose favorites, love unevenly and compare one child with the other.

There’s a distinction between sibling rivalry and sibling strife. Rivalry includes a normal range of divergences and competition between siblings. Sibling strife, which is less common, is rivalry gone ballistic brought by personality fights or detestation, can't take pleasure on each other's company.

Brother’s rivalries often are evident, typically concentrating on issues like Dad's love, athletic prowess, career achievement, money. Women are less cosy with competition, so sister rivalries apt to be passive-aggressive and less direct. Whom did Mom love excellently, who is a superior mother now.

Brothers often fix their rivalries with actions. Women resolve it through talking. 

Personally, I bumped upon these aforementioned flaws which need a redress.  It may be hard especially for people (like me) who have been used to it since childhood up to now, but this could be surely achievable on a gradual mode. Here are the following tips I’ve got which you could selectively apply depending on what is relaxing than compelling, to indeed directly repair and mend the problem:

Contemplate. Who is this person outside his or her relationship with you? What do you like about your sibling? Remember the upbeat recollections. Find out why you think the relationship is worth repairing.

Take the Move. To change, through a gesture, like an offer to help with a sick child, a conversation or a letter could help. Be sincere and don't ignore the apparent by saying that these communications between you are painful, and that you would like to see if you can make your relationship better.

Gestures Matter. Not everyone is at ease talking about an injured relationship, especially men. Phone calls, invitations to spend time together, attempts to help should be perceived as peace offerings.

Consider Sibling's Opinion. Try not to be self-protective. What did early days look like through his/her eyes? Be eager to see unflattering portrait of yourself.

Affirmation. Tell your sibling what you particularly admire through heartfelt appreciation, say, "I like your sense of humor/your composure,"' or "I admire you being a good provider." 

"You have heard that it was said to your ancestors, 'You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment.' But I say to you, whoever is angry  with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, 'Raqa,' will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, 'You fool,' will be liable to fiery Gehenna (Matthew 5:21-22).

References:

1. Elizabeth Bernstein, Sibling Rivalry Grows up, http://www.wsj.com/
2. Jane Isay, RealSimple.com, 10 ways to be closer to your siblings, June 8, 2010, http://edition.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/wayoflife/06/08/rs.get.along.with.siblings/