JCM: Fixing shyness: what you are today reflects what you were yesterday

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Fixing shyness: what you are today reflects what you were yesterday

Last Sunday, my sister-in-law together with her three teenage siblings visited the house. Basically, I would escape when I learn that they’re coming but this time I had no way to flee because I was caught in the act. I was sleeping on the floor when they visited us surprisingly. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I’m not used to entertaining people and conversing them for long hours, because we’re brought up in this manner. We were repressed as a child because we’re forbidden not to engage in a conversation with adult visitors at the time.

On the other hand, my youngest sister whose personality is the same that of mine really did not go out of the room starting at 1PM when they arrived up to 8PM when they left the house. My nieces and nephew had needed to go upstairs to say goodbye, which I supposedly prevented thinking that the more it would cause embarrassment to my youngest sister, but my younger brother insisted on them to say do so.

Let try examine closely about timidity. One who is excessively withdrawn, quiet and reserved does not give other people a chance to get to know her/him. And it is disappointing if you like a person very much but don't have the nerves to let him/her know how you feel.

Shy people are identified as great friends who are loyal, thoughtful, and conscientious. You could imagine a type society that is filled with loud-mouthed. Shy people are not necessarily unhappy people. Nevertheless, timid people can be forlorn and out-of-the-way if everyone is pushy and loud.

They can be lonely and isolated, avoided, not getting asked out. They may constantly end up settling for second best.

Sometimes people are born shy, while others become timid because of childhood experiences, being told not to show off or talk to strangers.

Some bad experiences might have caused timidity and withdrawn and subconsciously avoid developing a relationship.

Others feel nervous when they’re with people they don't know very well (particularly of the opposite sex), at parties, meeting new people for the first time, conversing with strangers, talking to people in authority.

Still others find it difficult to look people in the eye, ask people for information, think of things to say when in a group, act natural with new people, give opinion or assert oneself; which suggests that it does not necessarily mean that an opposite sex or anyone who can’t can’t look into your eye has a crush on you or simply keeping a guilt feeling.

It's normal to be a bit shy or have a low self esteem. However, this could be transformed gradually.

CAUSES OF SHYNESS

1. Rejecting Authority Figures

Growing up hearing that whatever one had did wasn’t good enough, causes a negative self-image. One who is excessively criticized on anything that she/he did or tried hardly could cause difficulty to feel confident and comfortable in her/his own skin at the later life’s stage. The embarrassment forced on you for continually "failing" can feel blindingly painful.

2. Unconcerned/Inattentive Caregivers

It’s hard to stimulate oneself to want more, strive for more, and imagine that she/he deserves more when parents or other primary caregivers don’t pay attention – as if one’s greatest achievements are not worth noticing. This circumstance often results in feeling of being forgotten, unacknowledged, and insignificant.

3. Authority Figures in Discord

When parents or caregivers fight or make each other feel badly, children absorb the negative emotions and distrustful situations that have been modeled for them. For a child who has been exposed to excessive conflicts between authority figures, it can feel as if he/she has contributed to the fights or to a parent’s painful circumstance. This feeling of being “tainted” can be carried-over into adulthood.

4. Bullying (with Unsupportive Parents)

One who has the support of a relatively safe, responsive, aware family has a better chance at recovering and salvaging self esteem after having been ridiculed and bullied as a child. One who feels unsafe at home and the torture continued outside the home, the overwhelming sense of being lost, abandoned, hopeless, and filled with self-loathing spread through one’s everyday life. It can also feel like anyone who befriends you is doing you a favor, because seeing yourself as so damaged. Or you may judge that anyone involved in your life must be predatory and not to be trusted. Without a supportive home life, the effects of bullying can be magnified and wretchedly erode quality of life.

5. Bullying (with Over-Supportive Parents)

If parents are overly and indiscriminately supportive, it can also leave a feeling of being unprepared for the cruel world. Without initial cause to develop a thick outer layer, it can feel challenging and even shameful to view oneself as incapable to endure the challenges of life outside the home. From this standpoint, one may feel ill prepared and deeply ashamed to admit this filthy hideous secret about herself/himself, even to her/his parents, because of the need to protect from the pain. The shame can be devastating and darken one’s perspective. Eventually it seems that your parents’ opinion of you is in conflict with the world’s opinion of you. It can force you to fit tightly to what is familiar moving forward in your life, and you may question the legitimacy of your parents' constructive view of you, and default to the idea that you are not good enough or are victim-like and should be the subject of derision.

6. Bullying (with Uninvolved Parents)

If your primary caregivers were otherwise occupied while you were being bullied, downplayed your experience, or let you down when you needed their support, you might have struggled with feeling undeserving of attention, and angry at being shortchanged. It can be hard to ask for attention or to feel like there is room for you take up space with your struggles once there’s chaos at home . Instead, you may retreat and become more isolated and stuck in shame.

7. Academic Exercises Without Caregiver Support

If at one point you feel as if you were getting further and further behind without anyone noticing or stepping in to help you figure out what accommodations you needed, you might have internalized the belief that you are somehow flawed. You may feel pre-occupied with and greatly doubt your own smartness, and feel extremely self-conscious about sharing your views. The shame of feeling as if you aren't good enough can be hard to shake, even after you learn your own ways to accommodate for your academic difficulties.

8. Trauma

Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse may be the most prominent and evident causes of low self-esteem. Being compelled into a physical and emotional position against one’s will can make it very hard to like the world, trust oneself or trust others, which deeply impacts self-esteem. It may even feel like your error when it couldn't be less your mistake. In these scenarios, there is so much going on at one time that one might need to check out, distance, and go away. It can turn one to feel like empty. In an effort to gain control of one’s circumstances, in one’s head she/he may have convinced that she/he is complicit or even to blame. You may have found ways to cope with the abuse, to manage the chaos in ways that you understand are unhealthy, so you may ultimately view yourself as abhorrent and shameful, among a inclaculable other feelings.

9. Belief Systems

When one religious (or other) belief system puts her/him in a position of feeling as if one is perpetually sinning, it can be comparable to the experience of living with a disapproving authority figure. Whether judgment is stemming from authority figures or from an established belief system in one’s life, it can bring to mind shame, guilt, conflict and self-aversion. Many well thought out belief systems offer two paths: one that’s completely good and one that’s completely bad. Falling inescapably in the abyss between the two, end up feeling confused, wrong, disoriented, shameful, fake, and disappointed over and over again.

10. Society and the Media

It’s overt that people in media are packaged and airbrushed into unrealistic levels of beauty and thinness. It’s an epidemic that’s only getting worse and worse. Now, males and females alike feel they can’t measure up to what’s out there. Maybe the seeds of low self-esteem are sown elsewhere, but now society and the media make imperfections so immediately accessible, there is no relief from feelings of inadequacy. As media access is available younger and younger, kids are subjected to these unfair comparisons earlier and earlier.

Furthermore, understanding that you are not alone in your experience can help decrease the extent to which you feel isolated and shameful.

Overcoming shyness

It can be intimidating but if one wants to be good with people, she/he needs to practice. Everything in this earth starts from level one until it becomes a popular habit within ourselves.

Begin in a gradual mode. Find a set of friends or family. Then, try asking a question at the end of a lesson as if you’re a student in class.

Wait until confidence is built before engaging with strangers. A good start perhaps can be with shop assistants - asking about the clothes they’re selling, making eye contact and smiling. Try asking people about themselves and urge them talking. This takes the pressure off of you.

No one gets it perfect. Be happy with yourself. Your own approval is more significant than anyone else's. Write a list of all the things you're good at including trivial things. You don't need to be noisy to do well.

People do a lot of text messaging these days. Respond to it when you receive a message from a guy that you like and want to go on with the relationship. Don't let him wait and assume that you aren't interested.

Once you have begun to know each other and he asks you out for a date, go. Be yourself and don't be conscious of what to say or do and what he will think of you. In overcoming shyness, it’s a must push yourself to meet up and give yourself a chance to get to know someone better and vice versa. Do this regularly and you will learn to fight your fear and timidity and will gradually begin to overcome shyness.

To feel at home with your date, ask questions like what is his favorite pastime, what kind of music he likes, etc.

When he asks questions, remind yourself that he is trying to get to know you and not probe into your personal life. Unless it has something to do with your past or a subject you don't desire, answer him and tell him. The more you get to know each other, effortless it is for you to confess.

Make eye contact. It's difficult at first attempt. Look in the eyes of the people you interact with on a daily basis, at least once for a few seconds. Then try repeatedly with other people until it becomes comfortable.

Initiate the move by smiling or saying "Hi." It isn't that hard. Just tell yourself that you are going to feel joyful today, smile at someone and say "Hello."

Act as if you aren't timid. Practice makes a habit. Set it in your mind that you will act confident and friendly at least once each day and carry out that thought. Then go out and set a big smile on your face.

Use creative imagination and visualize it consistently by fixing in your mind how outgoing you want to be and then each morning and night, see yourself behaving the way you want to. You can make up any stories or pictures in your head and by believing and doing this time after time, you will unavoidably carry it out.

Look for someone who is friendly, sociable and confident. Observe this person and learn how she/he moves around and interact with people. Try to emulate the good qualities that you like.

In summary, we may or may not blame the people around us particularly our parents for this issue? No, because perhaps they’re also a victim from this imperfection which they absorbed and became their set of values when they manage their own family yet. Yes, because it might be that others are just unmoved to transcend.

So the secret here is to start repairing such a shortcoming once you’re already aware of it to stop such unwanted values than pointing a finger at others.