Control Freak, Pushy Person, Tyrant, and Bully Boiled Into One

One day, the lady visits the Parish Priest to ask for some help, “Father, please help me.  I have two female parrots but they could only speak one thing.” “What do they speak, the clergy asked?” They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want some fun?” Isn’t that unpleasant, the lady bemoan.

That’s obscene, the cleric said. Then he stilled for a minute.  “You know I may offer a solution to your problem.  I have two male parrots which learn to pray and read the Scripture. We’ll place your parrots in my parrots’ cage. My parrots Francis and Job can coach your female parrots to praise and worship God.  For sure, they’ll stop saying that lewd phrase as quickly as you wish.” 

The lady fetches her two female parrots to the priest the following day. As they reached the cage, the lady was surprised of the sight.  The male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying intently to the Lord, with their devout little faces upturned toward heaven and with beaks moving lightly.

She was impressed and went closely to put her parrots in the cage with these decent parrots.  In a few minutes, they’re they are, the female parrots speak in one accord, “Hi, we’re hooker! Do you want some fun?” It turns a long silence. The other male parrot was stunned at this juncture and gazed at the female parrots and exclaimed, “Put the Rosary beads away, Frank.  Our prayers have been granted!”

Funny, isn’t it? But it would be funnier if a person could not control his tyranny considering that even the birds themselves are teachable.

So what am I trying to give an emphasis here? This is because on a daily communion with people whether it’s at home, office, public areas, or social network, we could encounter people who are “control freaks,” the tyrants in behavior. Nevertheless, since the birds themselves which are not equipped with powerful faculties but are teachable compared to human who is created in God’s image and likeness and with powerful physical and psychological attributes than the birds but appear to be undrillable.

In real world of marital relationship there are partnerships that do not prosper because of a tyrant other half. This is the type of relationship which have been fallen out of love because of both tyrant stand “I am right” and no one admits fault and do not want to forgive.

Similarly, there are leaders who are well noted for their being a tyrant wherein even they’re already incarcerated, they still have the confidence to malign the people who brought them to jail than humility and discern for restitution.

By all means, love but not the tyrant mind is the one that substantiates in all our commitments whether it is conjugal relationship, employment, organization, education, communal or romance. We remain intact and at home with one another inside the family or corporate world because of love that binds.

In our job we could find ourselves to be productive not because of a tyrant disposition but because of love that motivates us for the reason that it survives us a living, gives comfort materially. We love our work because it is our pride that we become part of its growth in terms of service for country's economic stability but not with a tyrant mind to feel good about being the “boss.”

The same with education, we study so hard because we love knowledge not for the purpose of accumulating a tyrant outlook that could be applied in the competing world but to absorb the educators’ love of their craft which bring them to excel in their respective fields which serves as an inspiration to the students.

In the same manner, zeal is continued in any community engagement not through tyrant management of flocks (which have been noted in my long years of involvement in different communities as the immediate cause of a broken teamwork and the organization itself ) because of love to the people who could see each leaders the manifestation of God's love through one’s dedication and fidelity to the WORD, reformed lives, versatility in different ministries which leave an encouragement as everyone notices the virtues.

Therefore, love is the greatest power that everyone could be depended on than tyranny. Love produces life in our society which harmonizes relationship, heals woundedness, restores trust and loyalty, motivates creativity, encourages holiness, multiplies goodwill, connects individuality, reforms lives, advocates independence, forgives iniquities, upholds dignity.

1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God, for God is love.

Romans 13:8 Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

When boiled down, a pushy person, a control freak, a bully, or an outright tyrant have common denominator whose objective is to display that they’re significant than their peers, whose vicious cycle is to boss around, threat, demand, bark orders, in selfish disposition, and abusive authority. They employ powers in an unfriendly approach which are debasing. Revealing their ploy could cause anger provocation resulting to a stern retribution.

These types of characters are difficult to get along with because of their known self-centeredness up to the choice of restaurant, were to sit and what to order, what fork to use and how much to tip, how long to stay, who pays and how to pay and what to do next.

This behavior can sneak into ones behavior to a greater or lesser scale.

Let’s try to figure out the hierarchy of tyrant according to its degree of dominance and disdain of others:

The table presented below provides discernment to differentiate between tyranny and leadership which can be helpful to avoid the expensive error of conferring unchecked positional power to a tyrant:  

Tyranny does not substitute leadership.

Inability to control of these aspects of life can lead to unhappiness, anger, resentment, stress, feeling helpless, and even depression.         

Giving up of control and playing the victim are immature disposition. Be reminded that our freedom ends where other’s begins.  Respect of rights and needs of others need a balanced control. 

So what cause these tyrants, control freaks, bully, and pushy to be in this dismaying character? Again, these are the people who lack of love while growing up in their own homes. Their present behaviour have something to do with their past, who are trying to defend themselves against their own susceptibility believing that if they are not in control, they are endangering themselves again to childhood angst. These people manoeuvre and coerce others to change to keep away from changing themselves.  They exercise dominance as an escape of an inner barrenness.

The control freak/tyrant is left with an appalling feeling of helplessness when their freak’s pattern is ruined.  By relating to their sores and anxieties brings them back to themselves.

Control freaks are associated with co-dependents. The latter is afraid of fear of abandonment which leads him/her to control those whom they are dependent with. Revitalization for them involves recognising that being a control freak conserves codependency itself.

More often than not, control freaks are perfectionists. They may think that, “If you want something done perfectly, you have to do it on your own.” Controllers are also controlling with themselves.

To identify whether you’re in a relationship with a control freak, you may check the following:

• Does this individual keep asserting to know what’s best for you?
• Do you naturally have to accomplish things his way?

• Do you feel suffocation of his dominance?

• Do you feel like being caged to his/her sense of order that’s inflexible?

• Do you find this partnership without fun as it misses spontaneity?

“Yes” answers to 1-2 questions means you’re possibly dealing with a controller. Three “yes” or more tells that a controller is violating one’s emotional freedom.

So how do we deal with controllers?

1. Never attempt to control a controller

Speak up, but don’t dictate them what to do, by healthily assertive than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Focus on high-priority issues that you care about than bickering about petty issues.

Matthew 5:44 But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.

Luke 10:27 You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbour as yourself.

2. Never make your self-worth reliant on them.

Don’t get caught in the trap of pleasing a narcissist. Also protect your feelings. Abstain from disclosing your deepest feelings to one who won’t value them.

3. You may use direct approach

Use this with good friends or others who are receptive to criticism. If one controls communication, be candid by saying, “I appreciate your comments but let me also air my view.” The controller may be unaware of his/her monopolizing the conversation and will ungrudgingly change.

Mark 9:37 Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not be but the One who sent me.

4.       Establish limitation

Politely say, “I value your advice, but let me work it out by myself.” Be in a kind, neutral tone. Be patient as controllers seldom renounce easily. Repeating this reverential process for days or weeks will gradually overhaul the negative conversation patterns and redefine the relationship terms. Concur to disagreement once you reach the stalemate, as its limits.  

Matthew 25:40 And the king will say to them in reply, Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.

Matthew 5:33 Amen, I say to, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.

5. Size up the situation

If your superior orders you how to complete a project then you add some good ideas, don’t expect any approval. By non-defensively explaining your reason about the add-ons, you’ll be heard most likely. But if he/she reacts, “I didn’t tell you to do this. Please take it out,” you must suspend it because of the barrier. Controlling the controller will only make work more nerve-racking or loss of employment.

Controllers are afraid of falling apart so they micromanage as coping mechanism.  These people might grew up in a messy childhood, alcoholic parents or abandoned in his early age, which made them the difficulty of trusting or renouncing control to significant others or to authority.  As a matter of machismo style to be the kingpin both in commerce and personal matters, others may get right up in your face or inch forward into your space when talking even if you take a few steps away.

In the light of a catholic faith, we are charged to love as Jesus does, even our enemies, to make ourselves the neighbor of those farthest away, and to love children and the poor as Christ Himself.

1 Corinthian 13;4-7 Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.