Are
you that someone who feels left out in the family because of a choice to do
other things than live up to your parents' standards?
Let’s
check out some testimonials on how they feel as a black sheep of the family:
There are sisters whose age gap is only a year. The younger has three children while the older has none.
The
latter had several miscarriages. She is very good-looking a bit plump and receives
lots of flattering remarks on how she is so amiable. As a kid she was abused
but never confesses about it. She always said she was the black sheep of the
family because she has no kids and feels like her parents don't pay her much
attention.
In
another circumstance, there’s this woman who did work for years at a good
paying job and squander her money on whatever she felt like and now is a 42
adult and is still sloppy on her money.
She just recently resigned from her job of 5 years and went to an employment
agency to work for another job that not a potential in terms of security of
tenure. Her younger sister told her not
to do that but she was stubborn and didn't want to hear.
Now
the older sister lost her job and the younger feels like the other is going to
ask her to live with her. The younger sibling is a single mom with 3 kids and
desires to be a mom to her kids alone without having an interference with her parenting. The older sibling doesn't listen to anyone
but wants the family to always pick up the pieces.
In
a separate instance is about this teenager who also feels as a black sheep of the
family. Her mom and dad ignored, and mentally
and physically abused her as a child.
She was never able to cope with life very well, who was used on alcohol
and drugs to deaden the pain. She also
turns to be very sexually involved with men.
She hated herself and her family who never helped her with anything and
treated her badly.
As
an adult she has bouts of depression and bouts of anger. She went to college but had nothing but low
paying jobs. She left home after a
fight with her mom and became almost without a roof over her head.
She’s
now 48 years old and has been staying with her mom for 14 years. She feels very insecure and with low self esteem. She is going back to school again because her
family needs more money. The degree she earned
years ago is worthless which she can't use for anything except on a nice wall
hanging. However, she believes that if
her parents do not really love her, God does.
She has a husband who cares about her and some nice kids. She finds that her past childhood was a
direct influence on why she has never been able to make something of herself. It has been a lasting struggle with everyday
living.
It
is unpleasant that one’s family treats the sibling badly but there may be
little that one can do to alter this. It might be best to continue to limit
one’s interaction with them.
First
thing first, are your parents aware of this? If not, one option might be to
tell them that feeling. They may not be aware of this feeling and perhaps
bringing it to their attention might make it easier. Consider writing them a
detailed letter if not at ease having an eye-to-eye discussion with them.
A
significant part of human development is becoming your own person. For some
people, this can mean drifting apart from their families, which can be an unfavorable
path but in some cases it is indispensable for healthy psychological
development.
It
is important not to misinterpret the meaning behind the family’s actions toward
you. In reality, the way they treat you is not a reflection of you but a
reflection of them and the psychological problems that they may have been
facing. Their unsettled psychological dilemmas might forbid them from fully appreciating you or may limit their ability to express their feelings.
On
the other hand, as parents, empathy is important when dealing with difficult
family members, as this is not on an even playing field. Temperament is a
hereditary game of chance, wherein some are blessed with a relaxed nature,
positive disposition, warmth and an ability to relate with, while others have a
genetically disadvantaged personality. It's not a choice. By looking back,
patterns of behavior could be seen that it has been embedded since they were
small children; it's just part of the genetic hand they've been dealt.
If
symptoms still persist struggling with this crisis, consult a therapist, who
could assist in facilitating a discussion with your family, to map read family
situation.
Reference:
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW, Black Sheep of the
Family, http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/09/13/black-sheep-of-the-family/
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