Ron
Grover[1] is a hard-headed stubborn guy with the tendency to be a control
freak, hoping that there are no other fathers out there like him who are
dealing with an addicted child. It took him for a long time to learn that his
anger was a result of him not being able to control his son’s addiction.
Eventually he learned that, at most, he has a small measure of influence with
him. And the only real control he has is over, his own self.
Together
with his wife, when they first began this nightmare of addiction, they heard
about boundaries. In his mind that was an easy one. Rules are rules;
follow the rules and there would be no trouble. But he learned the hard way-
addicts have no concept of rules and how they provide structure to society. If
parents of an addict trust in a set of rules to deal with their addict’s
behavior, they will live in a fuming and discouraging world.
At
the top of his lungs, his famous directive to his son: “No Lying, No Stealing
and No Drugs. Just what the hell is difficult with it?!!!”
This
has caused him more irritation and disappointment than just about anything else
he has managed about his addiction. With him, irritation and disappointment
almost always melt into him, screaming at him and anyone in the area, resulting
in more irritation and wound for all. In a throbbing family, wound compounded
upon wound is the last option.
Nonetheless,
there is a big difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are easy,
being set and everybody obeys. Boundaries are not rules but
direct one’s world when the rules do not apply or are irrelevant. Lack of
clear boundaries for parents gave them permission and allowed them to justify
enabling their son’s drug use. This has possibly protracted his addiction.
Boundaries
are healthy for parents and those surrounding them. No parent can change their
addict’s behavior by setting rules. Any success in dealing with son’s addiction
is a result of setting good parent’s boundaries.
Simply
put, parents can make a rule directed at their son that he cannot use
drugs in their home. The reality is that an active addict will use drugs at
home. Parent will become angry because of violating the rule. Parent has
a right to be mad but did it make anything better or change anything? No, they
are still at square one. Parent is angry that he is using drugs in their home,
and feels unruly and powerless. The addict is feeding his addiction. All
of this happens because the parent is trying to control something over which
she/he has no control.
However,
parents can establish a boundary: I do not wish to live in a home were
drugs are being used illegally. This in fact puts everything on them; there is
really no reason to become mad. Parent now has complete control of the
situation and has numerous alternatives. Parent is not trying to control the
addict son but get to decide on the actions in her/his life.
Boundaries must be set after much peaceful and rational
thinking. Setting boundaries with addict in the heat of fight consistently
results a failure. Mainly because those “boundaries”
(which actually rule) parent thought he/she was setting were being yelled at
the addict and not being set for parent. When parents are setting boundaries
for themselves and using a composed purposeful method, triumph can be more
attained effortlessly and can control own actions.
Boundaries
are difficult but can be established definitely and learned by all.
First
of all, be clear about own values. Understand within yourself where the lines
are in your life and for yourself and that is the beginning. Be cautious and do
not confuse boundaries with rules. A good general guide that can be used is
a rule usually begins with “You” and a boundary begins with “I”.
For
example, “You cannot use drugs in my house.” This is pretty easy, a rule for
the addict. It’s parent’s house so it’s their right to set rules, and that’s
correct. Now what are the parent’s alternatives? To live in the world of
“what is’ versus the world of “what ought to be” is the option. One who is
an addict is with an active craving; they are going to use drugs. Addict has no
respect for rules or laws. Addict is going to use drugs in his/her parents’
home in spite of rules. Have current rules and laws been effective in
restricting or discontinuing their behavior? If the response is no then what
follows next and what has been made up to this point that has been
advantageous? The point here is that, with these rules parents are trying to
control someone and something in which they have no ability to control.
In the real world of parenting (an addict), who is the only
person that parents can actually control? What if parents would set a
border line: “I will not live in a home in which illegal drugs or drugs being
used illegally are being used.” This is a boundary statement. At the outset this boundary is for someone in which parents
have total control. “I” is the key component. If this is parents’ boundary then
they have alternatives. If parents are in that state of affairs they make a
choice. (a) Get rid of the individual using drugs illicitly, (b) Get rid of
yourself from the situation, or (c) Prefer to do nothing.
These
are evidently the three options and there may be action based upon the parents’
own circumstance but if noticed each of these alternatives belong to you (the
parents) and depend not at all on altering the addict’s manners. Hence,
boundaries are about YOU not the addict.
As
far as money to an addict is concerned, if addict asks parents to buy heroin,
do you stick the needle in their arm? Enabling and providing cash or any
valuables or money to an addict is the same as buying the drugs and gunning
them down. Do parents give their addict the money for the drugs that kills
them? Where should parents’ boundary when money is concerned? Ron
Grover’s son has been clean since July 2010 using this “boundary theory” as
parenting technique to an addict son.
In
simple terms, boundaries are not a solid sphinx-like barricade, with heavy
life-or-death consequences but like a rope line. There is a clear border line
of where parents decide they should not go and there is self-enforced
precaution to ensure parents know there are consequences for crossing the line.
Nevertheless, there may be situations that require crossing the line and there
may be consequences that parents or and their loved one has to pay for that
crossing.
To
illustrate more, for instance the parents set a boundary about not to visit in
jail because jail is penalty. But, their son is in jail and they went to visit
their incarcerated addict. Why would they go to visit and violate their own
boundary? In essence, they went for the mother who has been having nightmare
about their son and in all of her nightmare the son was with all of her dead
friends and relatives. The mother was troubled by this taking it perhaps as a
premonition or something and worried. The father simply takes it as a dream,
but it bothered the mother so that bothered the father. They went to the prison
and the visit pacified her apprehensions and thus slept calmly. If there are
consequences on going beyond their boundary, they shall deal with them
accordingly.
Fixing
good parent’s boundaries allow the parents, the loved one of an addict, to
bring a measure of control and wisdom into a lack of caution.
Transformation from childhood to Adolescence drug addiction
Samantha
Lewis, 25, struggled with drug addiction and poverty for years before recently
participating in an intensive yearlong rehabilitation program at the rescue
mission.[2] She used to live in a rundown trailer with no electricity or water.
Her kitchen cabinets rarely had any food in them. Almost all the money she made
went toward her substance abuse and addiction habits. She grew up in an
unstable home. Her parents were addicts themselves and the family was
constantly moving around. Her mom and dad never had any money so they had
to move around a lot because they couldn't pay the bills. She said the family
rarely had enough food to go around and she was often left alone with no
friends and a family that had other priorities.
During
her teenage years, she started using drugs. She went in and out of being a drug
user until shortly before she came to the mission, when everything started to
take a turn for the worse.
In
the course of her struggles, she lost custody of her now 8-year-old son. She
said many of the relationships she had formed with friends and family were
ruined because of her drug use and other personal issues.
After
she recently graduated from a yearlong rehabilitation program, she has overcome
her addictions and learned how to more wisely manage her money.
In
a rescue mission, many of the residents at the mission struggle with substance
abuse problems along with poverty. Almost every guest that they work with
has some issue with drugs or alcohol. Right there, it eats up all their
finances, kills their relationships, lose their jobs. And then poverty sets in.
The two issues really go hand in hand."
Area
drug experts agree that poverty and drug use are closely related.
Substance
abuse can often lead to poverty because of the high costs associated with
buying drugs and alcohol, which is a very expensive habit. Addicts don't
realize how much they're spending. When feeding an addiction, they're not
keeping track of how much they're spending. That's not something they're
concerned with, using money unwisely that is.
On
the other hand, being in poverty can also lead to initial drug use according to
the experts, saying that when one feels hopeless and down and out financially,
one might look for a brief lift out of that misery and look to mood-altering
drugs. It just creates more problems when those in poverty decide to spend what
little money they have on drugs.
All
that drugs do is create this never-ending sort of cycle. What they're reaching
for to help them out of their misery is actually just causing more misery and
leading to poverty - something that the addicts received as part of the choices
they made.
Couple’s Testimonial with the help of a Substance Addiction
Ministry
In
late winter of 2007, his life changed forever. A husband and his wife
experienced a loss no parent should have to undergo. Their 28-year-old son
unexpectedly passed away from an overdose. Adding to this tragedy, he had
recently informed his wife of his own alcohol and substance abuse problem. At
this same time, they were confronted with intense struggle with their youngest
son. He was deeply involved in substance abuse and was totally unruly. His
behaviors were unpredictable, and he was in and out of jail and detox and
recovery units.
Their
marriage and lives were turning disorderly. Brought by his own addictions, he
was of little help or support. This situation
was devastating to his wife, who needed his support, not an additional problem
to deal with. His wife searched for relief through her God and the only
institution she felt any comfort in throughout her life: the Catholic Church.
Through
the Substance Addiction Ministry, it became an instrument in giving much-needed
emotional support for his wife and providing him and consequently their son
with information on therapy and professional aid for their substance abuse
problems.
The
emergence of feeling single-handedly and not knowing where to fall back on for
support and help is distressing when an individual is confronted with issues of
this nature. Substance Addiction Ministry was the initial first step in
recovery for himself and his family, providing them with an education of where
to look and acquire help and support for both the badly affected and the
family.
It
has been eight years since their family first became associated with Substance
Addiction Ministry. Both their son and the husband, through the intercession of
God, 12-step programs, assistance and hope from the ministry, have had an
extraordinary of life’s spin. They are so blessed with the miraculous recovery
and change in their family. The grace of God is truly a gift not of this world,
the husband stressed.
Diverting time from a tempting whisper of drugs or any vice
Mark
Wahlberg says that he made a lot of mistakes because he had a lot of free time.
He wants to make sure that he’s involved in every aspect of his kids’ lives to
really try to instill values — faith being the most significant.
The
first thing that he does when the starts is, he gets down on his hands and
knees and give thanks to God,” “If I can start my day out by saying my prayers
and getting myself focused, then I know I’m doing the right thing. That 10
minutes helps me in every way throughout the day,”Walberg points out.
He
claims that anything that’s good in his life is because of faith by spending a
good portion of his day thanking God for all the blessings that have been
bestowed on him. “A lot of people get in trouble, go to jail and find God, and
the minute they don’t need God anymore, they’re gone,” he expounds.
Being
a good actor or a good producer is not going to help his sleep at night or get
him into heaven, he stressed. “The most important thing from where I sit is to
be a good father, a good husband, and a good human being – a man who helps his
fellow man and raises his kids to be good human beings too.” He added that
every single aspect of his family life is joy. All these he treats as an
amazing life’s journey.
References:
[1] Ron
Grover, The Key to Dealing with My Son’s Drug Addiction? Setting Boundaries for
Myself, January 28th, 2010,
http://www.drugfree.org/the-key-to-dealing-with-my-sons-drug-addiction-setting-boundaries-for-myself/
[2] Cristina Woodworth/Daily News, Addiction, poverty go ‘hand in hand’,
http://norfolkdailynews.com/news/addiction-poverty-go-hand-in-hand/article_91374da0-04ec-11e3-9e64-0019bb30f31a.html
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