Confession of Transformed Drug Addict
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Charles J. Deguara is grateful for sharing their experiences with the world.
He believes that it is through understanding and sharing experiences that people can better help substance abusers and it is only when everyone understands them that all can hope to help them.
He recently wrote “Dear Drug Pusher” a collection of short story style letters that details the substance abusers experience with their drug pusher as well as the experience in certain cases of the family members involved. He hopes that through this, he can help people affected by drug pushers by offering insight. He’s not a professional however he has been around substance abusers most of his life and believes that his insight can be helpful. You may check his ebook.
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Mother’s Confession for a Drug Addict Daughter
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Cheryl shared her situation to her colleague. Her daughter is now 27 and has been a heroin addict for maybe 5 years. She’s been to rehab at her request and she visited and went to all day Saturday meetings trying to inform herself on how this happens, what are the effects, and what to do after rehab.
She learned about the stunt in maturity and the possible relapse after rehab and that part really angered her. She wanted her daughter cured, marveling at how can these children whose parents have given life and love, then choose to hurt them with their lies, deceit, manipulation, and stealing.
Her health has been affected. They installed cameras outside of their home, locked up or hid valuable items that they think might get stolen, but nor everything can be locked up including CD, DVD, book, and countless other items that could be stolen for drug money. All these items have been stolen because she didn’t see the signs of relapse until too late.
They found themselves as prisoners in their home and can’t leave her in it alone. She has been to the pawn shop numerous times re-purchasing cherished items. It’s got to stop and although her daughter doesn’t ‘like’ or ‘respect’ rules or boundaries, she finally put her foot down and said no more.
Like some of the parents’ whining, death for either of the mother and her daughter sounds bitter sweet compared to the daily fear of what would be missing or found during routine bedroom searches.
She related that she recently read the book “Setting Boundaries With Our Adult Children” by Allison Bottke and she can tell mom’s out there without a doubt that this book is empowering, faith based, and encouraging for all the parents who don’t know what to do when our their children make choices that are harmful to themselves and to parents. She bought a drug kit and told her daughter that if she was to live in, their home then would randomly test her for drugs, she is to get a job and keep it, there would be no more lies, and communication would be required at all times. If her test is positive at any time or if anything goes missing from their home, then she has told her that she can pack a suitcase and will drive for her to the closest shelter of her choice or to any of her so called friend’s homes/apartments.
She’s not doing this anymore and thinks that her daughter realizes she means business. This has just happened so time will tell how it plays out, but she still cannot emphasize enough the reading of the book she mentioned. It will give you strength to stand up and say “No More!”
Jeanette Lutton has 18 year old daughter who struggled with pot since about 13 years of age. Recently it has graduated to Xanax. She is angry all the time, has blown every good thing she has had going including two jobs because she just can’t seem to follow “rules”.
She bought her daughter a small pickup 6 months ago so she could drive herself to school and back and now it’s seems that it has just given her freedom to come and go and do more harmful things. She still owes her for the truck and considering taking it away although she knows there will be hell to pay when she does it. Has the tough love worked with your daughter, she asks. She’s afraid that if she takes her daughter’s truck until latter straightens out that she might lose her more.
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Co-Mother’s Recommendation Based on Experience
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Patti Herndon suggests reading books and other resources on addiction/recovery to take in a lot of information from multiple sources so as to develop a balanced perspective.
A balanced perspective is what will give the parents a discernment regarding the responses that will best serve the healthy change and sustainable recovery for their son/daughter who has a substance use disorder.
Likewise, he recommends the books “Get your loved one sober: Alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening” by Dr. Robert Myers and Brenda Wolf, “Born For Love: Why Empathy is essential and endangered” by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz.
He also suggests to do some research on Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), ‘Motivational Interviewing’, ‘ACT Therapy’ (Acceptance and commitment training/therapy) as potential resources in regard to counseling support for siblings who are into drug addiction. The more options that one learns about recovery, the better decisions that one could stand to make regarding response for individual circumstances.
In the goal of learning how ‘best’ effectively to respond to particular daughter’s needs/her substance use disorder, and toward discovering and utilizing her innate strengths in her journey of recovery, there would be great benefit in visiting the SMART Recovery Friends and Family (self management and recovery training). You may google SMART Recovery Friends and Family. It’s a very useful, evidence-based recovery training and support resource.
To Cheryl, Patti says that her daughter requires a balanced, tailored approach, in terms of support, from her family. Ultimatums, especially those from family members, don’t generally result in helping someone with a substance use disorder achieve sustainable, lifelong change/recovery.
It’s understandable that a parent is angry and scared. That’s a common emotional state for parents with children with substances use disorder. But, existing in a state of anger and fear/anxiety is toxic to the daughter’s recovery (and to parent’s health as well)…because those kinds of emotions left unacknowledged, unmanaged/treated leech into the relational dynamic between parent and daughter…every interaction that parent takes, every conversation…It’s there. And, that negativity impacts her ability to hope for herself, separates her from her belief in her own ability to make healthy change, it will act as a barrier in her taking recovery-purposed actions on her own behalf, little by little.
That kind of contention in the relationship will result in ‘stall’ in terms of momentum in healthy change/recovery. And, that’s the only way sustainable change occurs in recovery -little by little. Parents need to prepare for a marathon. Recovery from an addiction is not a sprint. It can’t be ‘commanded’ away by family members or other loved ones.
Patti witnessed many tragedies related to young people having been ‘kicked out of their homes’ by family members who believed they were doing a good thing -‘tough love’ having been their chosen approach in ‘supporting their loved one with addiction’.
She was fortunate to be able to spend time with shelter residents/guests… talking with them/listening to them share about their circumstances, what had brought them to being ‘homeless’ etc.. Most always the personal story included, as mentioned, the implementation of ‘tough love’ -because their family members were ‘fed up’ with their ‘addict’. It was usually the case…it would become clear, after some amount of conversing, that their family had not been properly supported or educated regarding what measures/what options -helps and supports- ‘could have’ been put in place BEFORE they resorted to ‘kicking them out’.
A healthy mutually rewarding relationship between parent and daughter that includes empathy, genuine listening and open dialoguing will be key in her journey through recovery. There are some very good counselors/therapists, as well as other resources, to utilize that serve building/increasing the strength of your relationship.
Sometimes parents are too single-focused on “enabling” and “boundaries” and “denial”, as well as other common buzz words and phrases associated with addiction… because, after all, that’s what parents hear so much about. Parents are socially cued to attune to these things.
But, the reality is… often times parents don’t have a real, applicable understanding of what these concepts are and are not, as they relate to individual circumstances. As a result, parents neglect to consider how critical an impact their spirit of approach, the way they choose to interact on a daily basis has in helping to facilitate their son/daughter in engaging their own reasons to make healthy change. Enabling and boundaries are things that parents need to consider. But, if they are only focused on those things…it’s not likely they are doing an effective job of supporting their son/daughter in their recovery.
Sometimes parents are just ‘mad’ at them and go to great lengths to validate that anger…like reading and quoting from books that parents interpret as ‘expert advice’ regarded as telling them to “stand up and refuse to let ‘their addict’ push them around”. But, that frame/perspective just stalls recovery. It always will, too.
Parents need and deserve help and support with HOW ‘BEST’ to advocate on behalf of their individual son/daughter, themselves, their family. One size approach to recovery WILL NEVER fit all. And prayer is just that…it’s prayer. It’s very helpful. It centers everyone. It inspires one faith and belief. But, ‘prayer’ won’t solve problems without taking steps after prayers. Faith makes thing possible….not easy.
It took a lot of time for Patti to finally understand how to authentically help her son. She listened to a lot of people in the early years…and received intended, but, mostly, misguided, ineffective (and even some dangerous) advice.
Her son is in long term recovery now, after over a decade of trauma experienced as a result of his addiction. She learned that a lot of the things she had been ‘taught’ about what she should and should not do in response to his addiction were just irresponsible advice -lacking a science-based research.
She was determined to learn about addiction…all of it -biological, psychological sociological. She’s still learning….but her son is healthy and has a healthy future largely because Patti’s family recognized that the approach they were applying wasn’t working for him but needed something else.
When their child is in the hospital with an infection and they administer an antibiotic that doesn’t facilitate ability to fight off the infection, they don’t just continue to administer ‘the same’ antibiotic -assuming that it will work at some point. Parents can (SHOULD) apply that same logic to addiction treatment.
When what they have been trying/been applying, in terms of response to their addiction, isn’t proving to support them in making healthy change in a reasonable amount of time, logic and love dictate that it’s time to try something else….and that they continue to try something else until they see the results they are aiming for.
Parents can’t control everything that son/daughter thinks and does…but parents CAN support them in making the changes ‘they’ desire to make in their lives by educating on how people recover and apply that learning to their individual circumstances.
Addiction is the journey. Recovery is the destination.
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Parent’s Testimonials
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Co-parent’s recommendation based on Experience
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Vivian has beautiful son who is an addict and she has fought a valiant fight but ultimately lost. She won’t speak to her son for all the pain he put their family through. She wanted to know how to stop being so angry with her son. She have found herself in many of these above-mentioned; thinking it would be easier if either of them are dead. It’s been too many years and financial stress, too much yelling and too many tears. She prays all the time and asks those who know him to pray too. It is unbearable at times and she never stops hoping God will hear all the prayers.
Pam C does not understand the boundaries. Her son is 22, a heroin addict, and underwent 4 rehabs later, as if no end in sight. They lost her husband’s 23 year old niece and his brother to overdose. So the dynamics have changed.
Her 20 year old son has had it with this dysfunctional household. Her family is imploding before her eyes. She says, “I am done!” But her husband is not. She asks vehemently, how in God’s green earth do you put boundaries on a 22 yr old when it doesn’t matter what he does so long as we don’t bury him? But in the cruel time she loses her 20 yr old.
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Sami M recommends two books that have helped her deal with her son who is an addict. Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and Tweak by Nic Sheff. They helped her to realize that ONE: YES, HE IS HER SON WHO IS AN ADDICT. TWO: IF HE CHOOSES TO USE, HE CHOOSES TO LEAVE HER HOME. Giving him the consequences of his actions means he pays the price; Sami M CHOOSE NOT TO.
Carrie shares that she’s reading Beautiful Boy borrowed from her support group meeting. Her 21 year old son has been using heroin for 4 years, he is on parole, and his teeth are rotting. He says if she kicks him out that they both know that it is the day he will die.
She finds needles and burns spoons in his room. She is more at peace when her son is away from the house or at a friend’s, no matter what he is doing than when he is constantly at home in his room, angry, high, sick and depressed, playing video games or sleeping.
She needs him to move out, but he won’t and she’s afraid to kick him out for fear he will overdose or kill himself. He finally went to a dentist and started looking for a job, so she thought things would get better, but as long as he’s using, she knows that it won’t.
She’s a single mom with another child at home begging him to kick this one out and need to feel deep in her gut that it is the best thing for him or she can’t kick him out. She’s a mom with a heart and want to stop enabling her son so that he can grow, but not die….
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Psychotherapist Recommendation
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It is so hard when on one hand parent wants to protect her son and on the other it is so hard to watch him self destruct and feel helpless to stop him.
The good news is that recovery is possible and it sounds like he is taking steps, albeit small, in that direction by going to the dentist and looking for a job.
She suggests considering any form of treatment – perhaps rehab, but an outpatient program might work as well. He may also be a candidate for anti-craving medications depending on the types of drugs he is using.
It might be helpful to learn more about Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), an evidence based method (taken from scientific studies demonstrating its effectiveness) that uses behavioral strategies and communication skills to help motivate loved ones toward reduced usage or abstinence.
It’s great also attending nar-anon for support. Continued self care is important not only to feel better, but model healthy behaviors for both the children.
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Father’s Reaction to the issue based on experience
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Phil’s 21 year old son is very addicted to marijuana and walked out of the home because he violated their boundary of smoking in the house. He gave him a choice: Go to detox or leave. He has chosen to leave.
He has stopped giving him money and took his cell phone away. He thinks he is now dealing with raising money for his habit. This has been going on for 3 years now, as he was aware about his addiction. He learned the difference between rules and boundaries the hard way. They cannot control somebody else’s life, only their own. Caught unaware, boundaries which are supposedly to be set for their son were set instead for them, the parents. The significance of boundaries brings them the realization to recover independently of them.
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More Testimonies
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Liza Albright is a sister-in-law of a 37 year old alcoholic and heroin addict, who has three children, two of which are in the custody of an uncle to her husband and his brother. The third lives with his mother and seldom sees his father.
Her brother-in-law started abusing drugs when he was 15 and hasn’t stopped. He has been sent to rehab three times and in jail countless times. He has hurt everyone that has tried to help him. His maternal grandmother died penniless because of him and the only thing he said when she died was “Oh, I guess she really was sick”. These family members, including his youngest son’s mother, have bent over backwards time and time again only to get slapped in the face by his ignoring for their time, money, or health.
He sits in jail with his 4th theft felony. He is facing prison for a long time of two stolen beers at a convenience store. He has no car, no driver’s license, no real friends (only users), no job and they just moved his stuff out of the apartment his mother paid for. He does have a mountain of debt and three hurting children.
Liza says: Please heed the advice of the professionals given to you or you might possibly end up like her 37 year brother-in-law.
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Carol has a beautiful 23 year old daughter who started with weed, switched to Oxy, and then heroin. She decided to admit herself to an inpatient detox. She was very glad that her daughter did, she definitely needed to go. She then went to a 10 day rehab, and is currently supposed to be in a sober living program because she was trying to figure out a way to get out of the halfway house before she even got there. The daughter actually told her that she didn’t need to be stuck around “those kind of people”. Needless to say, she was quite annoyed with her Mom when the latter reminded her that she is also one of them.
She has not heard anything from her daughter for a week who told her that she cannot have access to a phone until she has been in the program for 14 days. She truly hopes that her daughter is finally telling the truth, but she’s afraid for her. She isn’t anywhere near as tough as she thinks she is, and would be an easy target if she is living on the street.
As a Mom, she also feels an immense amount of guilt over her addiction wondering if there’s something else that she missed. She blamed herself for being stupid and gullible. She told her that she will not live in her house ever again. She has tried to manipulate her sister into letting her sleep on her couch, just until she can get back on her feet. She has been working with her older daughter on how to say no.
It is heartbreaking in every aspect. She has told her that she will not stand by and watch her die. She will kill herself eventually, either by choice or by overdose. She loves her daughter she used to have, but she really does not like the woman she has become.
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