Testimonies
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Lisa is a mother of a 28 year old heroin addict. Her son is not living at home but in another state. He has been to 3 rehabs, out-patient programs and sober living.
After a year of sobriety he relapsed. They flew to his home, helped him through a week of detoxification, helped him get counseling, start back up to meetings, find a sponsor, etc.
A day after they flew home, he was using again. He was kicked out of his girlfriend’s apartment. They are beyond worn out with worry. It really has taken its toll on their health.
Their son has unbelievably never been arrested, has a job and is living with a co-worker until he finds another sober living house.
Her question is: Is it their responsibility to tell this coworker and his job that he is using. He drives a work van, using tools, and is a risk. It is not fair for them. She is so over on this. It has been going on for 8 years now and really don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. He has always had a soft place to fall. He has to do this on his own; they can’t do it for him.
They will always love him, but they need to take care of themselves, go to meetings and seek counseling. Advice on the job, co worker situation would be helpful. She believes God has His hands in this. It is so hard to give up the control…..just want her beautiful boy back.
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K. Smith relates that having a child who is an addict is a living hell. Her son is 23 years old and has never supported himself financially. She has done everything humanly possible in the past 5 years to help him, but back at ground zero. He has burned so many bridges. She is the only one left who will even give him the time of day. She has tried ‘tough love’ but they should re-name it ” hard as hell love”.
She cries everyday because the stress is more than she can take. It’s the not knowing if he is going to call to cry to her, or text or just show up at her door and she has to turn on the ” the hard as hell” love and turn him away. She’s going to find a support group in her community to attend. Unless an individual has gone through this, he/she can’t understand it is the hardest thing to do aside from losing a loved one. |
Kelly feels this exact same feeling with her 19 year old son. She’s the only one left who cares. She’s having the hardest time making him leave because he constantly tells her about sleeping on the street, no food, no showers, not being able to get to work, so no money.
She’s sure a lot of it is just to make her hurt as much as he must hurt inside. But it is the hardest thing in the world – either situation is terrible. The rest of her family will not even speak to her if she has anything to do with him, but that is still her baby, somewhere deep inside.
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Laura Hailey has done this for so long…She feels like her daughter and her son’s father have moved on and she’s still at the “scene of the accident” picking up all the pieces and wondering how this happened.
She will forever question her actions…intentions…her judgment…why did she say that…why didn’t she just do this. While she is frightened to the core of losing her only son, sometimes she catches herself wondering if his death would just be easier…She hates herself for having thoughts like that and she thinks she’s disgusting but she can’t help it. Then she mutters, “Am I alone?”
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Melissa has a 23 year old son who has been gone this time for 6 days. No job, no phone and the only money he has is $320 state tax refund.
She tried everything for the last 6 years. The thought “Is that best for all” often crosses her mind. She too is disgusted with herself for that feeling.
Meth is his son’s drug of choice, but he will try anything. She had high speed car chases with his friends because her son was in the car. In fact she just had one recently. Not sure what to do from here. She has been in this position about 10 times with him leaving and not contacting them. She has a lot of communication with the local and county police and turn in everything she finds. He has slept in the woods for days and almost died twice. His good friends have all abandoned him and now his friends are all addicts. She loves and hates him at the same time.
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Psychotherapist’s Recommendation
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Many parents have the same feelings toward their children as it is so hard to watch them fall into drugs and feel as if there is nothing they can do and that they have tried everything.
It also takes a lot of courage to get the police involved and commends on being willing to use their help where possible.
About being in a high speed car chase, it sounds like this is placing at great risk for personal safety. It might be helpful for now to focus on own personal self-care until he surfaces again. Who can to turn to for support? What can be done that brings a small amount of enjoyment into life whether it’s a hobby, talking to a friend, exercise, engaging in prayer or spiritual practices, etc.
It might be helpful to learn more about a support group that uses behavioral strategies and communication skills (an evidence based method or scientific studies demonstrating its effectiveness) to help motivate loved ones, toward reduced usage or abstinence. It also places significant emphasis on attending to the parent’s own life and self care.
This provides great insights on how to help an addict son in a loving way. It discusses ways to talk to drug addict about his drug use without having arguments and ways to help him engage in healthier behaviors while handling own emotions and well being related to this issue.
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Confession of a Father whose Son is a Drug Addict
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Dave was that MAD Dad, disappointed, expectations never met, etc…..
Together with his wife, they started to attend a tough love group. Collectively with their church recovery group, they were taught to detach “with love.”
He related that if they didn’t change, their addict will never change. If we enable him, get in the way of his recovery, he will never change. It is a disease, He believes that with all his heart, he is not the medicine for his cure.
His son does not live at home but they have boundaries set for themselves and other children in the house. |
Parent’s Confession
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Co-Parent’s Advice
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Roger’s son and daughter are both addicts. He used to drink, and now, with the help of “Antibuse” and the desire to never drink alcohol again, he has nearly five years of sobriety: no pot, no pills, and no drugs whatsoever.
His ex-wife had a DUI, many legal and relationship problems. He was just plain lucky that he hadn’t a DUI or legal problems in his drinking days. No love interest: too crazy a situation for a normal person to deal with…therefore no girlfriend.
Right now, his ex has over five years of sobriety from alcohol, but smokes a lot of marijuana with her boyfriend. Those two make a choice, but it enables his son (who lives with them) to smoke pot and just be lazy. Then she complains about how lazy he is. He has been told by him “I will not give any more cash”.
In the past, he has enabled him with cash, gifts, paying legal fees, taking and finishing college classes for him, and other things he never should have done in the name of sympathy.
This weekend, he just got done lying, misrepresenting problems, and needs in order to get money for pot. He told him if he needs something, his mom can get it, and he will send her a money order.
For the past five or six days, his son has been calling him at least once a day, begging for money. He ended up telling him several times no, but it inevitably ends up with yelling at him and shutting his phone off for long periods of time.
His daughter has pulled the same crap about cash, and he told her the same thing. Now she is under court-ordered treatment and has a big hammer over her head: act right, or go directly to jail.
He cries a lot and sick of the way his kids have no regard for him; but that’s an addict for him. They will lie, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to get cash to get high. He does not mind buying food for them, but that may have to stop, too, depending on how abusive they get. It’s his choice, though.
Thinking that with two DUIS, a felony, and everything else would stop his son from drinking alcohol/smoking pot, but a year after 120 days in jail he’s in as bad an emotional state as he was before he went in.
Just emoting here helps him, and makes him realize that failing to uphold boundaries has created an unhappy father. He felt a lot of guilt on this, but too bad. That will pass through Jesus, his highest power whom he praises.
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Rose shares: For all the parents out there dealing with kids addiction, do not for one minute blame yourself (ONLY if you were a user), that does not help…
The kids make their own choices. Parents did a great job raising their kids.
Except for themselves, they will hopefully wake up one day, and do what her son did when he said, “Mom, the drugs are taking over my body, and I don’t want this anymore, I am tired of drugs running my life.”
Irene Glassie’s whole life has turned upside down when her daughter and her husband were using drug. They blame themselves at first but realize it is not their fault.
It was a choice they made in their life. They told them that if they use again they would have to leave the house. They were caught using again. She would throw them out of the house. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do.
Her daughter went to inpatient for a month and a half and then to rehab house for two months. She is now doing three meetings a week and counseling. She has been six month clean and still doing meeting. Parents should be strong and don’t give into them, until they really admit that they need the help and willing to make the changes in their lives.
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More Mom’s Testimonies
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Rose relates, “DRUGS are PATIENT, RUTHLESS, HAVE no FEELINGS, they DON’T CARE. They are at every street corner, waiting, and they will always be right there, they will be there, and just want to darken your day, suck the life out of you…take your soul… And remember…..THEY Will KILL you in time….
Rose is a single mom whose son has been using drugs since he was 13 years old. He uses the excuse of his parents’ splitting up, he was angry with them. She confronted him treating her son’s act as stupidity.
She’s not into drugs, then the blame came, it was all her fault, because she had to work to pay her mortgage, pay her bills, buy food etc…then her son was 16 and left alone for 12 hours, that became a Drug party. It was awful, in short her son was using needles to inject oxy cotton, hydros, pam’s, meth. Name it, he has done every drug on the street… Her son stole her money, computers, digital camera, laptop, cash, jewelry, pounded it, sold, for drugs, sneak into her purse when she was sleeping which was zipped up beside her bed, and steal her Visa card…go online and rack up the bill… She lived through it all. Her son joined with real BAD drug dealers that threaten him, his life. As a single parent, she did everything to try and help him but he did not want to help himself. His husband who was only with them occasionally took a bad turn and hospitalized. Her son drove 5 hours to see him, spent 4 days at his side with his big stepsister and that was the last time he would see his dad. 5 months later her husband passed away. Then they we were dealing with guilt for not trying to fix relationship. Then things turned BAD, her son did fentnnol and got into riddling which stopped his heartbeat. His brother found him lying dead for 9 minutes. They got him back, and that day he flew home for Detoxification, for treatment… Finally, her son arrived home and said, “Mom, I don’t want to do drugs again.” Now, they’re starting from scratch, and start to rebuild…Rose is very grateful that God was watched over her son that morning and redeem his life and took him home. He’s now 24. Stay strong. Hide money, pills, cc, and everything that’s valuable. Put them in a safe deposit box … Drugs are patient, waiting around each corner, to grab them, suck them back in… They are ruthless, and they have no feelings…they will take your child’s soul, and spit him out. |
Ron’s son who’s 28 has been fighting the drug issues. It started when he was 14. 14 years later, the environment is still the same, breaking the house rules and taking life like a game. He’s desperate and does not know what else would best fit.
While raising his 7 year old daughter, he and his wife were fighting for this issue. Sooner, his wife disappeared without even calling which all the more put the child in a tremendous problem for 3.5 years.
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Fad has been dealing with this for about 4 years now and it still bothers her that it is called a disease. If one teaches someone the consequences of trying drugs and they try it anyway how can you call it a disease, he asks.
His son has been everything from pot to pills and from huffing to heroin. For starters, he knows it should be at the top of the list, she and her husband never seem to be on the same page. She can’t live like this and kicks out their son and then at some point (like one night when 5 minutes before her husband left for work on the 3rd shift) her son would text her husband and says he’s coming home. Her son arrived home quite late and then after about a half an hour he was nowhere to be found. Since the door was left OPEN she called for him outside. He didn’t answer so she locked both doors so that she would at least know when he came in. After quite a while when he didn’t come in she really began to worry because it is cold out and she worries about things like whether he overdosed outside or even hung himself in the barn. She finally decides to call his cell phone and he informs her that he got a ride into town to get some food. After being gone for several weeks he’s only been home for about 30 minutes, they live way out in the country, have a ton of food, it’s late at night & he sneaks out without telling her! So at this point and boiling with stress anger and worried, she tells him not to come home. This is their vicious cycle.
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Ann’s brother has been a drug addict for five years. The most recent episode she stayed with her was when he was in an outpatient treatment program. He has lied and stolen money/valuables from everyone; his behavior even resulted in property damage, while drunk and/or high.
Recently, he enrolled in college and attended one semester. However, he could not attend the next semester, due to limited funds. So, he remained, at her home, doing nothing. He started working for a labor pool, but she realizes he is drinking and smoking/buying weed, at her house.
She confronted him, about this, but he denies or minimizes it. He has a criminal record, but was cleared for a regular job. He wants to take it, but he has no transportation so she would drive him to/from work. She does not want to do this but she knows it may help him financially and boost his self esteem.
However, she’s sick of taking care of him and prepared to kick him out of her house. She feels that he is an adult and needs to assume responsibility for his life and his choices.
Also, she’s tired of how his choices impact her life. She realizes that she needs to take care of herself for a change. She feels like barely hanging on by a thread.
He was supposed to go back to school this semester, but he did not complete the necessary documentation to return, since he missed a semester. Along with that, the school will not allow him to stay on campus now, as a non- traditional student, because of his age.
She’s confused on what to do. She feels stuck with him. Her mother and sister make her feel guilty, because of how she feels. Her mother told her for being mean considering that she’s single and without children but she can’t be with an addict. She wishes him well and wants no harm to come to him. She’s aware that he would be dead or in jail, if he had not come to her home. However, she realizes this is not effective, this is enabling……and she’s exhausted. She does not like him because of drugs, manipulative, addict behavior. She feels he needs to leave for the sake of what’s left of their relationship telling him that she tried to help him, but it has not done any good. In fact, she does not know how to help him anymore.
Caught in this blind alley, she says that the only person who can help his brother is himself. He needs to assume responsibility for his life, instead of her. She’s not aware if he has even decided to change. She can’t focus….She has gained weight and felt that she isolated herself and neglected her life, in the process.
She asks, “Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I drive him to work?” She does not know anymore.
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