Mother’s Testimony
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Other Mother’s Recommendation
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Sharene is two years with her son 24 and her daughter in-law 22. The two started off great kids with dreams. They had two joyful boys, Sharene’s grandsons. They started with oxy. They lost her grand kids to her parents which Sharene is grateful about though. They sold their car and boys’ toys for drugs.
She screams inside every day her son and daughter-in-law are on the streets. They call to ask for money which she refuses. They text they are going to kill themselves.
Every day in her life for the past two years has been controlled by this addiction. It was for money that they had her grand kids. Now she prefers not to pay to see her grand kids.
Because of depression Sharene attempted to kill herself. She begs to them to go to rehab to get out of drugs but they refused. She does not know what else could be the best alternative.
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Olivia who is a community manager says that it is so painful to see someone that the parents love hurt themselves, she cannot imagine how difficult this is for Sharene.
She hopes that Sharene’s children will want to get help for their addiction, and help is available. She suggest that while Sharene may not be able to help them right now, she can help and take care of herself.
She recommends some support groups for parents who have a child with addiction problems:
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Celina Garcia has a 23 year old son who left walking and drank all night and got beat up. He told her some pretty hurtful things and today he has sent her a sorry that he is on the streets. This is not the first time. She feels like if she does not go to get him she fears he will die. She does not what to do.
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Vivian’s son is in a sober living facility. Over the last, at least seven years, he has drained her financially. Now he needs her to pay his rent until he gets a job.
She gets physically sick when she has to deal with his son’s problems. She knows he needs support. But, she is drained. She tells herself she is not going to answer the phone but she feels guilty and answers it. She can’t say kind things to him, so she makes him feel like crap. She’s asking a help to know what to do in this situation.
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Tess son is 18. For one week now he is living in a tent in the woods. He did call on Christmas and came home for about 24 hours. She gave him a choice: Go to rehab and he could stay. He said no. So he went back to his tent.
Her son says it’s not about the “marijuana”, it’s about authority. He doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do. He wants the freedom to stop smoking on his own.
She’s having a difficult time setting this boundary knowing he is living in this environment. He has 5 months left to graduate, if he does. She feels helpless and struggle with calling the police and turning him in.
She asks: how do you know when to intervene and when to let consequences fall as they would naturally, for example letting him get caught on his own? He is illegally trespassing and having pot parties. If she doesn’t intervene and his drug use escalates or he dies in the woods and she doesn’t where to find him? It’s just hard to know what to do?
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Kathryn needs more info on setting healthy boundaries with a loved one that’s an addict. They mainly borrow money that never gets paid back and manipulate when she says no so she gives in…She’s seeking for suggestions.
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Kindra is a mother of two addicted kids, 20 year old daughter and 17 year old son.
Her son has been in a program for over a year now and has worked a pretty successful program. Although she is very proud of him and his accomplishments, she’s trying to maintain a realistic approach to his sobriety upon transitioning home in over a month. It is a peculiar position and emotion, being the mom of two addicts.
At times she very much wrestles guilt and shame from her own past choices that have affected her kids. Yet by this time it sinks in to her priorities to set up “boundaries” which is being more about “her” than a set of rules which is being more of restricting and changing the addict’s behavior who has no respect for rules or laws.
Currently she is faced with setting some firmer boundaries with her daughter (who is still actively using), as her manipulations have gotten out of control, and facing her son’s transition home, establishing safe boundaries for her as a mother and her son at the same time. Side by side with it is the encouragement allowing him stand up for himself, set his own personal boundaries toward his sister, etc.
Her kids have a very close relationship; consequently she realizes that these boundaries will not come easy for her son to establish with his sister. She has been going to Al-anon and this is helping quite a bit, but she welcomes all suggestions.
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Sherry has an addict son. She has tried to help him with rehab and other things but he still goes back to using other things that won’t get him tested positives when he goes to court.
She constantly worries and cries. He has stolen thousands of dollars from them and she has decided not to let him come back home. She’s seeking a help on how to deal with this.
Her son doesn’t call her although he’s ok. She has people checking on him but its not the same, she says. She feels lost without her son.
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Mother’s Confession About Her Son
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Colleen is struggling with her son’s addiction to pot and meth. She has tried the tough love thing, yet ran when he wanted to move home for two days! Then back he went to his addiction and the girlfriend that supports it and him.
She had terrible dreams that the next time she sees her son will be to identify his body. Her son doesn’t live at home anymore because the only two “rules” they set were “No Ghetto Girlfriend and No drugs” in their home. He could not comply, so he chose to move out.
Their extended families support/ enable their son to continue his life of drugs by accepting his behavior, but she won’t budge for the sake of her son’s life.
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Co-Mother’s Reaction
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Sheila could relate with Colleen. She feels exactly how the latter feels over her situation, although she’s not saying that she’s a bad mother. She’s no longer allowing her son to live at her home after many warnings to get help. She will not budge either.
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Jean’s son is a heroin addict who refuses treatment of any kind other than 5 days of detox. He hates God and despises any kind of self help meeting or therapy. He has a two and a half year old son and is responsible for monthly childcare payments.
She throbs for her grandson and his mother who has never been married to her son. Her son cannot get a driver’s license because of underage drinking. He could not get financial help/medical insurance because of outstanding warrants.
Her son now has two outstanding medical bills from two stints in a detox at the local hospital. She doesn’t even know if he will ever be eligible for a driver’s license or even some financial aid with his hospital bills.
She’s asking if her son will ever be accepted into a detox again. She knows that she cannot begin to help him until he stops using heroin. She feels so helpless and cries everyday which helps nothing. Her son wants to work and drive. She wants to take care of his son. She knows he has to stop using. But secretly, she wonders – does he have a chance to do any of these things with his record of underage drinking and disorderly conduct. Her son has already stolen cash from his sister, and she suspects that he is stealing things and selling them. He is 24 and she’s quickly losing hope that he will see 25. Setting boundaries is a helpful concept, she says. She has to keep herself going and not fall apart. She just feels despair at the moment. |
Jill has a 20 year old son who is addicted to many different drugs. Did a 3 week outpatient program, 3 day inpatient, but chose not to stay. He is still living in their home making their lives a hell. She has learned it is hell because they have had no boundaries, she assumes.
Her son has had many jobs that only last a couple of weeks at a time, long enough to get some money, use the money on drugs, then take the 2-3 weeks to find another job and make excuses every time.
They allow him to stay in their home because she cannot bear the thought of him living out of his car that he threatens to do.
All she wants is for him to get on his feet and out of their home. Her husband says it will never happen and wants to kick him out to live in his car, which she refuses. By setting a boundary, she’s asking whether she will allow her son to live in their home and just live her life around him and not let him stand in their way of doing the things they want to do, or give him a timeframe for getting out.
They are confused as what they as parents are suppose to do, rock bottom they say…tough love they say. The lies are all the time, her son can’t even remember the things he has shared with her in the past, and by past she meant the past 2 months. She doesn’t even know who he is anymore, how can she put him on the streets. They think that without kicking her son out their own safety could be jeopardized at some point. She asks, at what point will he not pay his debts and seek him out at their home? Nobody deserves this life, she points out.
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Kelly has 26 year old son that was hurt at work and was given pills to control the pain and guess what he is a drug user now.
She fights with him daily. She has paid for suboxine treatment. He is doing better, then after a year he is still using sometimes. She can’t continue to live like this. She goes to bed thinking of him, and wake up thinking about him. He still tells lies to her. It has taken over her whole life! She feels like she can even leave her house thinking that watching him will be okay.
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Renee Freitas’ daughter is addicted to heroin. Her life for the past three years has been difficult to say the least. She’s at the point where she’s taking her life back but she has other family members that have not been going through it with her.
She has recently refused her daughter a flop house and she has turned to family members and they are looking at her like a bad mom.
Her daughter has been in several rehabs and jail which makes her tired as a Mom. She loves her daughter…… and do not have much hope left
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Mother’s Confession about her Drug Addict Daughter
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Louise’s 20 year old daughter has opted out of out-patient for the second time. She failed a drug and alcohol test the last time and the programs said she needed to go inpatient. She refuses to do this, saying she can get clean without it.
As a result of this, she is no longer allowing her daughter to live in her home, even though she maintains that she is not using. She suspects that she is not using her drug of choice, oxycotin, but feels it is okay to drink socially.
She is struggling with what other boundaries she needs to set. She allows her come over and visits. She has no driver license due to a DUI and she knows that makes life hard for her. She can get her license back next month. Her daughter’s car is with her car and thinking of withholding it from her at that time because she is not working a program.
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Co-parent’s Suggestion
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Carolyn has enabled her son for too long and the rules versus boundaries concept has helped her hugely. Here is a letter she has just written her son:
14 May 2010
Dearest Ron I am hugely concerned about your marijuana use. I have seen changes in you over the past few months that lead me to worry about your current and future health and well-being. I love you dearly and can no longer stand by and let this happen without taking action. In my view, you are suffering from substance abuse with marijuana and this is evidenced by the fact that you are smoking it virtually daily and are unable to have a period of a week, or even a couple of days, without using marijuana at all. I believe you are using marijuana in order to function right now and that is addiction to a substance. I know you also drive under the influence of marijuana. From reading scientific research, I know that there are likely effects of prolonged use of marijuana. I have seen a lot of the following with you recently : anxiety, sleep disturbance, irritability, moods swings, lethargy, explosive outbursts, minimal interaction with me, Jill and the rest of your family, changes in eating patterns, frequent absences from school and now Uni, changes of friends, spending large amounts of money, decrease in other activities. Long term I am worried about impaired brain function, memory loss and respiratory illness. I believe that you use marijuana as much as you do to lessen anxiety, sleep, de-stress and feel better able to cope. I believe that there are issues that need to be resolved in your relationship with your Dad, and me. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to help resolve these issues – I promise you I will take ownership of things I can be doing better and I ask you to do the same. If these issues aren’t addressed I believe that you will suffer long-term with anxiety and that your health and future relationships will be severely affected. What I want I want you to significantly reduce your marijuana use to less than 2 times per week and keep it that way. Preferably I’d like you to give it up completely but I’ve learnt to take baby steps. What do you want? Do you think your use of marijuana – and the subsequent effect it is having on you – is acceptable and good for you now and in the future? What I offer to help:
My boundaries:
My rules:
You are not
Consequences
The reason I have raised the ‘car’ issue here is that I think this is important to you and that it’s something you would like to achieve. I believe that decreasing your marijuana use will increase your ability to achieve some of your goals.
I love you dearly. I admire your personal values and respect you as a person. I am extremely proud to call you my son. I believe that you are on a track that will lead you to personal happiness with your dreams and aspirations for your future. However, recently things have begun to change and I can no longer stand by and see you sink deeper into yourself and live a life that is as painful as you have recently described.
Hugs
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Wife’s Confession about an alcoholic and marijuana user husband
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Cathy is in the process of setting boundaries with her ex-husband who is a stage 4 alcoholic and marijuana user. They have an 11 year old daughter who has a ton of her own problems to deal with. Her ex’s mother insists that their daughter MUST see her dad. She lays a huge guilt trip on him and “forces” him to come see them (they don’t live in the same state, 2 hours away).
Her mother-in-law pours her ex into the car and drives him up here drunk. He shakes and goes straight to bed when he arrives. She’s fear she’s going to have as much, if not most of her trouble setting boundaries with her sister-in-law as she will setting them with him.
Her mother-in-law is a HUGE enabler and she’s tired of being manipulated by her as much as she’s am sick to death of his drinking and being so self absorbed.
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Father’s Suggestion
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Ron Grover says that he experienced exactly the same issue with his son as Louise did with her daughter now.
Ron’s son is 22. He had lost his license due to not paying tickets. He is an oxy and heroin user.
Two points, first based on Ron’s experience is that he could not punish his son out of his addiction. He tried and it just didn’t work and others have related the same experience to him.
Secondly, his son had a truck that was titled in his son’s name and was insured on his father’s policy. The father came to the realization that his son is an active user and if he had an accident legally the father could be held responsible. More importantly the father knows he is a drug addict and if he hits someone in it and hurt them or killed them the father didn’t know how he would live with himself.
His solution was that he could have his truck and he would give it to his son free and clear on these conditions. He must title, license and insure the truck in his name. Seeing how he had no job and no money, it was completely up to him. He parked the truck and locked up the keys. They live in a suburban/rural part of Kansas City and there is no transit system of any kind.
His solution was to beg and borrow rides. Everything was his choice. Parents must not let their daughter have the vehicle if it is in their name due to legal and moral reasons. If it is in her daughter’s name unfortunately, parents probably don’t have much of a choice.
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Miss Sulaneous says: Son needs parents to visit him in jail, routinely. Parents cannot punish and reject the addict out of him. The more he feels rejected, and is rejected, by parents, the more likely he is to continue his addiction.
Punishing son for being in jail and an addict, by withdrawing parent’s affection, and refusing to acknowledge his existence, is the ultimate rejection. Parental rejection is a form of abuse that leads to drug addiction.
Refusing to see one’s son in jail, as punishment, is not a boundary. It is a rule: Punish the addict.
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Co-Parent’s Reaction
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Patti Herndon shares that it is helpful to set boundaries with some amount of reasonable consideration that there might arise on circumstances along the journey that require adjustments in expectation and action.
It may become necessary to contemplate these adjustments so to remain consistent with the kind of support deemed necessary, in each individual case, toward the goal of continued learning, advances in coping and increasing family system growth for all involved in the process of addiction recovery.
The decision making required with regard to the substance dependency of a loved one is beyond difficult, a great deal of the time.
Discernments are best made on a case by case basis by parents who are consistently committed to doing their best to do the next right thing.
Parents should all give themselves, and fellow parents, credit for that kind of dedication, even if some folks don’t approve of their response to addicted child’s behavior or the consequences of their choices.
It is really not up to anyone else to judge the determinations of what action parents take, as parents, in regard to their loved ones addiction and the consequences of their choices associated with their dependency.
On that subject of decision making…there is no way, considering the degree of difficulty existing with the process of addiction,(a difficulty that only a parent of an addicted child can truly appreciate), that parents will as they do all the right things at all the right times. But parents continue to try, aren’t they.
Reasonable, firm boundaries certainly help to provide some sense of security and some amount of predictability pertaining to a condition that is anything but predictable.
It’s always a good idea to bring on board a mechanism of support, such as a phsychotherapist, or other licensed professional who specializes in addiction and/or co-occuring disorders whenever it’s possible for the family to choose that resource.
In addition, utilizing resources such as the Partnership website, or other quality websites designed to educate about drug abuse, substance use disorder and mental health issues increases knowledge about addiction, prevention and early intervention. All of these tools work in concert to help families in the journey toward sustainable recovery and well being.
Children are blessed that parents show such dedication to becoming increasingly healthy in the process by engaging healthy dialogue centered on recovery efforts.
Addiction is the journey. Recovery is the destination.
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Susan Lea affirms the idea: “I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wants to go.”
She can’t believe how many times she waited with a coat on, sitting in the chair in the living room for her addict daughter to tell her where she wanted to go. She would get frustrated and start steaming because she had other things to do. She would pick up on her irritation and then a fight would ensue. She couldn’t understand why her daughter wasn’t considerate of her time! What a fool she was to think her daughter was even aware that she HAD time.
Now she goes to places when she wants – movies or plays or shopping – and she does not ask her daughter if she wants to go. It saves both of them lots of grief and makes life more enjoyable for her.
Addicts are very selfish. If parents wait for them to decide where they want to go, they can be surprised sometimes to find parents have already left! And if her daughter is going somewhere to meet up with a dealer, the last place she wants to be is sitting in a car waiting for her, she related.
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Susan is also facing the same ordeals that millions of mothers (and fathers, most likely) endure with their drug addict son and who cannot sleep.
She says that “Mom” needed to see with her own eyes that her son is “still there.”
Her daughter has put her to thinking on that: Why have we NOT taken away keys to what is legally my vehicle? She always thought – he doesn’t need her car to meet his friends and party… he does need a car for school, work, or going to meetings… but she’s realizing that she needs to be open to realistic consequences and interventions that have a true, practical effect, not just hot air!
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Jill’s son (16) is now in a rehab and will be home soon. They have had rule/boundary issues in the past where they do not allow drugs in their home and the rules were broken and any boundary that they seem to have set. He would find a way to cross the line.
She hopes that when her son returns this will be different and he will be more respectful, however she needs some ideas/suggestions on what to do if he starts crossing them again.
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Co-parent’s Reaction
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Emmy says that the best that the couple could do is that she and her husband decide on things that a parent of drug addict can live with. She asks: Would you both be able to say “if you cross this line, we will make it so you cannot drive, or some other consequence. Try and keep personal boundaries within reason. Addiction is more than poor choices. Will your son continue to go to meetings? Will he come back to anything that could keep him busy?
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Pat Nichols says her family does not refer to their son being in “jail” but prefer to call it “protective custody.”
She has been into advocacy answering a parent information/resource line for ten years. She has spoken to over 1500 parents who are in crises due to AOD from all over the country. She does it for free, and not paid anything from anyone. She does it out of passion for parents, like her, who are/were in great pain and fear.
Anyone who wants to join her and other parents, she suggests to send her an email at edmondparents@aol.com and she will email some info.
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