Mindy has a daughter whose boyfriend abuses prescription drugs and alcohol. He has been in jail for it and is right back to his old ways. He has parents who have given him a job, pay for his college and offer him a very nice home to live in and yet this kid, in his early twenties, is blowing it. He now has given pills to her daughter who never did that and she fears she is getting dependent on them.
Kicked by his parents, her daughter’s boyfriend is now with them. The pills were found and disposed of, but Mindy is sure he’ll just go find more from someone. He lies and now her daughter is lying to her. Her heart is racing just thinking about it and scared to leave either of them alone in her apartment. She asked him to leave. She doesn’t want him here or illegal medications. She can’t understand why his parents have kicked him out. They’re tired of being hurt. They know they can’t help him and she’s sure it’s frustrating to watch child kills themselves when they could have a bright future. That’s how she feels and he isn’t his child. She hopes he hasn’t dragged her daughter into it beyond a point of no return. After all the drama he has been through the last 48 hours, all he is asking is, “Where are my pills”. She says: Not, look at the mess she has created, look at all the people she’s hurting, or what she’s going to do. He can’t function sober and he definitely can’t function after taking the pills. It’s pathetic to watch. He is the only one that can help himself and she thinks after everything has been through, even with all the pain the drugs have caused him in his life, he still wants to be high. She doesn’t want to watch someone destroy themselves and now her daughter.
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Marlene’s son who is now 26 has been using drugs since he was 13 years old. She says that the best thing is to not let the addict live with the parents. She enables and does the things for him; he must learn to do for himself. It is heartbreaking. But she guesses after seeing him almost die many times, she had to learn.
Running around with a safety net only prolongs the outcome, she says. Her son is in jail now convicted of a felony for destroying of property.
She says that she loves her son but he must take responsibility. Starting drugs at such an early age stunts the maturity. As a mom who loves her son, she set boundaries believing that she’s not doing him favors by giving in to his manipulations. She now supports him emotionally as he knows she always will but will no longer enable. It has taken her many years to learn this.
She has been diagnosed with Crohnes disease and severe psoriasis, both caused from stress, worry and anxiety. Learn from her and take care of yourself, she points out. Parent’s health will suffer without setting a boundary.
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Jan is still going through difficulties with her adult child but at least she has shown improvement. She could write a book that would shock each and everyone on what she has been through in the past 5 years.
This past year she had to search for other mothers who were in the same situation. When she found Moms In Prayer International online she called to get help. After talking to a state director of the ministry program she came to her house to speak. What a wonderful blessing. After learning of this ministry their prayer meeting has started to grow. They have been meeting once a week praying for each child, giving praise to God and testimonials of what God has done in their child’s life.
REMEMBER, we as moms have made some terrible mistakes in the past – but the BEST MOM YOU CAN EVER BE IS A “PRAYING MOM,” she shares.
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Diana from Milwaukee whose son is 26 year old has been a heroin addict for the past five years. He has tried to quit once before, to no avail. Rehabs, counselors, social workers, doctors, he refuses to listen to anyone and thinks he can quit on his own. He has now succumbed to taking Suboxone Film. He takes it in front of her and it comes in the form of a white or clear small strip, half inch.
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Ann has son who is 20 years old has been destructive, abusive, drug addict which almost endangered her to murder her own son brought by distress. She thought to herself how easy it would be to purchase a gun and shoot him while sleeping, to end his life for the terror that he has caused their family, to forget that it took her years to get pregnant and years of tears to raise him. She rehearsed in her mind calling the police to tell them of the atrocity. She rehearsed the speech she would give her family and resolved herself to a life in prison.
Fortunately, her depression did not conquer her. She quitted caring for a while, while her father and sister ignore him. He comes and goes in the house. She just can’t believe that she has given birth to such a monster, she says.
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Lori’s son who is 28 years old has been an alcoholic and drug addict since he was 14. Although he completed a 3 month recovery program and has remained clean and sober for 7 months, they are still feeling the effects of this addiction.
Because of his past drug use, he is still learning to act his age and be responsible for his actions. He has a new girlfriend whom he started dating just months before he went into rehab who’s also into drugs and alcohol.
Her son says it doesn’t bother him but it makes her sick to think that this girl is subjecting him to the lifestyle he fought so hard to get out of.
An addict child may be sober but does not mean that everything is okay. He has been going to NA meetings daily, counseling every week and has a sponsor that he talks to regularly but he still talks about feeling like using. Each day is a new day for them and pray to God that He will keep their son safe and us sane.
What she has learned through all of this is that she can control herself although she can’t control her son. He allows her adult son to make his own decisions even if she does not like them. She can only tell him how she feels and the rest is up to him, she says.
Setting boundaries is the only way one can live with an addicted child no matter how old they are. They need to know that they can do whatever they want in their life but they can’t or won’t take down anyone else with them. And parents cannot enable them or they will never see the consequences of their behaviors, she added.
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Co-parent’s Advice
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Ron Grover says, “Where there is life there is hope.” He suggests to go to
his personal blog and read about his son. His blog is a more personal account of parenting an addict.
Before he had done everything and in July his son was speed-balling. They knew it probably would not be long before he died. Something triggered in him. He had a profound experience and went cold turkey in his girlfriend’s basement.
His son has been clear and sober since.
Where there is life there is hope.
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Cindy’s 18 year old who has been in rehab and the emergency room for DXM, just stormed out when she gave him their house rules. She found drugs in his room (again). He claims they aren’t his. Here are the rules she gave him. She’s asking if she’s being unreasonable as her son claims, who is not in school.
Rules
1). No drugs or alcohol or mind altering substances. You must have an initial drug test and you should expect periodic drug testing for different substances. No excuses such as, “It’s not mine” or “I had a cold” will be accepted. 2). Keep car clean, maintained, and insured 3). Get a driver’s license 4). Save $25 per week in our joint account 5). You are now an adult living in OUR home. You must keep it clean to OUR specifications. This includes but is not limited to:
· Keep room clean.
· Keep bathroom clean.
· Keep kitchen clean.
Plan laundry times so you are not leaving clothes in the washer or dryer. Do not dress out of the dryer.
6. Help out. Begin to take responsibility for living in our house. This could include but is not limited to:
7. Be a part of the family.
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Kathy’s son who is 17 year old is an addict. She tries to set boundaries, but it so goes against her instincts. He was adopted from overseas. She feels such overwhelming sorrow and that she failed. His biological mother made the decision to send him to the U.S. to be adopted so he would have a better life, not this life.
Her adopted son has been in and out of rehab, but doesn’t understand what it means to commit to recovery. He expects the clinicians and her, his mom, to do it for him. Now he is suspected in a burglary. He has stolen valuable from her and his sister many times, and now a dear neighbor.
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Jennifer’s step-daughter has been a drug user for about 8 years. She is only 21…she has a 6 month old daughter and now she has lost custody. Most of her family and surrounding people are drug addicts themselves and don’t think she has a problem hence she does not think she has one either.
Since they discovered her problem they have tried to talk to her, tried to get her to move in with them to take her away from that lifestyle…but knowing she would have rules to follow she always refused.
When she found out she was pregnant she just knew this was going to end badly…the father is also a drug addict. They both have anger issues and have fought so many times and sort a broken up and gotten back together.
She knew they couldn’t take care of a child…they can’t take care of themselves. They tried to talk to them, get them to understand to seek help before it was too late and they lost the baby…now here they are…they thought she would finally have that push she needs to do what she needs to do to get her daughter back. But it looks like she’s not going to do anything about it…no detox…no school…no work…Thus, as a mother she has decided on boundaries, refusing to be part of the life of someone who will not help themselves and will not do what they need to do for their child.
She refuses to continue pretending like everything will be ok when clearly it never will.
She will always love her but will offer or give no help until she is proven that the proper help is being taken, she says.
She refuses to let her son be around people who use drugs, she added.
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Vicki’s 31 year-old son is an addict. He has been in and out of jail. Everything is everyone else’s fault. She does not know her son’s whereabouts but he’s around and call her around 25 times a day asking for money.
Together with his girlfriend, they lived with her for about 6 months. They have stolen from her, from everyone. Her son continues to call his 82 year old grandparents on a daily basis for money. He has three sons but does support them. He has lost everything and about to lose everyone in his life.
The police are looking for him. They came to Vicki’s house almost everyday. His girlfriend’s aunt had some things stolen from her house and they want to question him about it. He refuses to contact the police.
When her son calls her, he blocks his number so she can’t get it to the police. He has destroyed her life and almost ruined her marriage. He has stolen everything in her house that was worth any money, even though she has no proof that he did it but know deep down in her heart that her son did it.
She loves her son and afraid that he will end up end. His life is out of control and there is nothing she can do to stop it. There is no money for treatment and she feels that right now he is living on the streets. She has no idea if he has had anything to eat. No one will help her out financially because they know that any money they give her will end up going to him. Now she struggles on how to stay strong and not end up losing her only child.
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Maria Blanco’s son is an alcohol and drug addict. He is 26 yrs old. After going to college he’s decided to come back home, and set boundaries for him: no drug or alcohol use, no lies , and also told him he needs to get a job. He parties a lot and then gets up late and stays in the Internet all day long.
Her biggest problem is her husband, she does not get his support and makes her feel guilty by telling that she has no compassion and that she likes to attack her sin.
Her husband is also an alcohol abuser and marijuana user, although now he is doing neither because she told him if he did it he would have to leave the house.
Maria is not into drugs or alcohol and right now she feels she’s at the end of her rope. She’s 61 with a very demanding job. There are days when she wants to disappear because she does not know what to do. She loves her son with all her heart and has tolerated his behavior for 7 years now but enough is enough.
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Mary has dealt with her daughter’s addiction for 5 years. She has stolen everything she had. She keeps on praying that it will change but it doesn’t. It is the most awful roller coaster. She used to be so fun, but she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She just took guardianship of her son and thought that would change things but nothing matters. She has tried multiple rehabs but guess if they don’t want to, they don’t. She wants so bad to get her life back but her daughter just won’t let them because of counseling that seems insignificant. It’s like a hell that won’t stop until they are dead, she points out.
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Debi is a single mother of an adult addicted child. She has permanent custody of her eldest child since she was 3 months old. She has put up with so much misery from her.
Her daughter has decided to hate her and punish every chance she gets. She knows how to play the rehab game to keep Child Protective Services from taking her other child, who was born addicted to heroin.
She understands that she has enabled her daughter, allowed her to throw aside from boundaries.
She is aware of the need to stop being accommodating, to stop enabling. She says she should not try to foster a relationship between her and her granddaughter, as it is not healthy.
She says that she needs to find herself again. She has lived with her addiction for far too long. It is just too painful to have to be around her and so tired of being angry. She wants a normal life, she vehemently said.
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Kim likewise has gone through a lot of painful circumstances with her son. How sad that such a big part of society is going this way, drug addiction is such an insane thing to deal with, she says.
She has started to take back control of her life after getting her 27 year old son to move out of their home. She also had to get an intervention order to keep him away from their home as he kept breaking in and stealing. The text messaging and all have stopped for today.
She does not project too far ahead these days and find it much easier, it’s no point wasting time analyzing or thinking what if. Just live for today, she says. Al Anon is a wonderful place that teaches them to live their own life for them. It sounds hard but detaching from their problems, and not owning their issues is a great start to taking back their own lives. Let go & let God, she concluded.
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Ellie son is an addict. She’s having difficulty processing her emotions of being scared and angry.
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Connie L has a son who is 23 years old and was the perfect son until about 2 years ago when she found out he was doing Oxy’s.
She got him into rehab after throwing him out of the house for stealing her medicine after she had neck surgery. He is her youngest. She thought he would never do wrong.
Her older son (who is a diabetic) is now in rehab. It took going to jail and getting court ordered for rehab. She is hoping the same thing happens to her youngest. He just spends a month in jail and she’s so hoping that would straighten him up and he seemed so sincere but when he got out he was right back at it. He even overdosed at his father’s shop and his cousin did CPR and brought him back.
If that doesn’t wake you up, WHAT DOES????, she bitterly complained. She is at wits end and does not know what to do. She lays in bed each night and plan her sons funeral. She can’t sleep. Her son is no longer with her.
She moved out of her 2 bedroom apartment into a one bedroom. Her son is now with his older sister along with his girlfriend whom she thinks is also doing drugs. She is the one that was on them when they met 3 years ago. It makes her sick….She does not know how much more she can mentally take. She has 4 children and 3 are drug addicts. The youngest one is the most active.
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